Say, What Chu Looking At?

So here I was, sitting at my desk at home, working on an email.  Life was busy, but not bad.   I was ok.   Then I needed to sneeze.   While normally this would not be an issue, I had eaten almonds earlier.

“Almonds?”, you say as if to ponder where this is going.

Yes, almonds.  See, when you eat almonds sometimes there are little shards of almond skin and fragments that still sit there, like little land mines of the mouth, just waiting their time.

“Dude, you were talking about sneezing.”

Right.  Sneezing.   So I was at my desk, minding my own business, when I suddenly needed to sneeze.   The body kicked in, taking a nice big inhale.  Through the mouth.  Where the previous land mines were waiting.

You see where this is going.  Let me slow it down a bit and describe the next two seconds.  Picture Hollywood and CSI style slow motion for this..

I inhaled, a single bit of almond fragment went down my windpipe, my body reflexively started to spasm and want to cough, but I was mid sneeze, and…  Well, the body started to think it was choking, and closed off the pipe.   And then my diaphragm finished its spasm, and I sneezed.

… or I tried.

All the pressure hit a very closed windpipe, and my upper lungs took the hit of a massive spasm with still mostly filled lungs…

Zoom out of my windpipe to me making this strange comical inhale, then what can only be described as the worlds most pathetic sneeze.  Sort of a “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhCCCHoor.. aaa… cough? ”

Yes, you CAN put a question mark at the end of a cough.   I did.

…  An hour later I still feel dizzy..  I’m still laughing but I’m still dizzy and I have a headache.

I’m not Staring at your Chest!

Originally uploaded by Doc Stampede

Look, this was Amy’s shirt okay? I loved the artwork. I had to take a photo. I WAS NOT STARING AT HER CHEST.

Her chest was just a bonus.

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New Flickr gallery for Mid-Week Eats photos – Enjoy!

This is in direct reference to this post.

Adam P. Knave Smooth. Like gravel. – Crotch fire.

For reference, here is a simple GIF animation.   Watch it.  Examine it.  Study it.  You will be quizzed in a moment.

Now see, here’s my thought.   If you are stupid enough to spray your own crotch with some sort of ignitable liquid, then set it on fire…  You likely do NOT belong in the gene pool.   This kid’s so called friends are actually doing humanity a service by practicing what I have taken to calling Active Darwinism.

Discuss.   Maybe someone can help shed some light on why someone would ever do this to themselves.

A few random tidbits to entertain and dismay.

• Its an absolutely beautiful day here in the city.   Blue sky, cool spring weather, the flowers are popping up everywhere..   A wonderful day to be indoors and feeling the full impact of this fully functional battle station allergy season.
• Tax season is near its end!  Its April 15th, either you’ve paid up or you’re still working, but don’t worry the pain is almost over.   Unless you’re one of the procrastinators that likes to file extensions.  For you there’s still another 2-4 months or more of pain, suffering, anticipation and dread. 
• TANSTAAFL.   Unless you’re a rich trust fund baby.  In you case, TSATAAFL.
• Fans of the female body, rejoice.  With the warm weather the eye candy will be there for you to see.  So will the eye poison, the hidden traps, bait, and the occasional slap in the face.
• Fans of the male body, rejoice.  With the warm weather the eye candy will be there for you to see.  Also appearing tonight will be plumber’s crack, hairy back, the wholf whistler and the occasional slap in the butt.
• I checked out my profile in one of the dating applications on Facebook.  Being open to opportunity is good.  This also means I’m open to the scathing power of the fully functional battle station internet. Out of 150 some odd screenings, I ranked zero in the “would date” category, ranking me in the lowest percentile of Facebook.  Mmmmm, excellent confidence builder — i t brings to mind a classic quote… “why don’t you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We’re closed!”
• I slipped my spinal column back into place on my own this morning.  This felt wonderful.  …. ……  I slipped my spinal column back into place on my own.
• I applied for a debt consolidation loan.  If it passes, I may be able to look at moving by the end of the summer.  If it fails, I’ll have slapped my credit rating back by half a year for nothing.
• The price of oil is at an all time high!  However, the cost of walking remains the same!
• This is the end of the post.   I’ve run out of beautiful dismaying thoughts.

You know this sounded like a fun post at the start, but I really did run out of things to say.  Whoops.

This specific comic nails it perfectly.

Too Much Coffee Man – Comics

I’m working with DAS KEYBOARD now.  You may have heard of it.  Version II of DAS KEYBOARD features a return to the old Focus style keys with tactile clicky mechanicals and gold plated contacts to ensure long life.   But really, that isn’t why we get this keyboard.  We get it because it really just FUCKS with anyone who isn’t worthy to touch your machine.

So far I’ve been fine, except for a few syllabobbles when trying to type my passwords.

Here..  Have a new “Inspirational” picture I took tonight in light of my new toy..